Private Dicks Need Strong Coffee and Clean Windshields

By:David Brooks




When I tell people that I’m a private investigator, they always ask me to take them for a ride in my Ferrari. Little do they know, but real life P.I. work is nowhere nearly as glamorous as Magnum makes it out to be. Maybe they do things differently in Hawaii, but I’ve never met a private dick on the payroll of a mysterious billionaire. Don’t get me wrong—I wouldn’t turn down an invitation to live in the Robin’s Nest, even if it meant having to put up with a bunch of vets. I just have serious doubts that it would ever happen to me or anyone else.

No. The life of a sleuth is hardly romantic. Most of my time is spent cooped up in my Eldorado running surveillance on a cheating spouse. To be honest, it’s pretty damn boring. If it weren’t for sudoku, I’d have taken my own life a long time ago. And when I’m not copping a squat in my car, I’m out walking the streets following up on leads and knocking on stranger’s doors. You don’t even want to know how many pairs of Keds and tubes of hemorrhoid cream I go through each year from all the pavement I pound and all the long nights spent sitting on my keister. Then, at the end of the day, I barely pull down enough to keep up with my mortgage and alimony payments.

But I don’t like to complain. I’m actually a pretty accomplished investigator. Back in 1994, I won the coveted Dick of the Year Award for nabbing a ring of yutzes who were running a worker’s comp scam out in Inglewood. I’ve learned a lot of things over the years—mostly the hard way. But I’ve come to realize that a great P.I. really only needs a handful of traits and tools: a persistent personality, a high-quality camera, plenty of strong coffee, and, above all else, a clean windshield. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had a primo shot ruined by some smeared bird squeeze or a streak of water spots.

I used to think that all windshield wipers worked just as good and that only rubes paid extra for the deluxe blades. However, I finally got fed up with staring out of a grimy windshield all day long, so I plunked down the extra bread on a set of PIAA wiper blades. The difference was night and day. Those wipers cut through everything from dirt to bug guts. Even the milkshake that someone I was tailing chucked at me was no match for my new blades. And my photos have never looked clearer. I don’t usually like to give away trade secrets, but I just couldn’t keep this to myself.

About the author:
Wiper blades are often overlooked or forgotten, until you actually need them. I would suggest being a little proactive and looking into getting a set of PIAA wiper blades. They made a huge difference for me and my business. - David S. Brooks